Who Owns The Problem? (A Pathway Out Of Spiritual Abuse)

Thomas Gordon is well-known for his watershed parenting book published in 1970. Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) has sold millions of copies world-wide and has significantly shaped parent education in the United States and abroad. Whatever you may think of Gordon’s model for parent education,* there is no question that many families have found his approach helpful.

One part of his model is relevant to the concern of spiritual abuse and the co-dependency that keeps people stuck in relationships with spiritually abusive persons and groups. Gordon calls it the “Behavior Window.” Here’s what it looks like:



First, the Behavior Window helps us identify if there is a problem in a relationship. Second, the Behavior Window helps us determine “Who owns the problem?”

People stuck in a spiritually abusive relationship with an individual or a group (i.e., denomination, local church, synagogue, temple, etc.) often fail to ask either of the questions raised by the Behavior Window. Many deny that there is a problem. Those who admit there is a problem often assume that it is their fault (i.e., if I just was a better person, more spiritual, more obedient, etc.). It is common for spiritually abusive individuals, families and groups to set unrelenting and unrealistic standards. When people fail to meet those standards, the spiritual abuser(s) blame the victim for being weak, worldly, and insufficiently devoted in their particular brand of spirituality/religion.

If a victim of spiritual abuse is able to see that there is a problem, then learning to ask the second question of the Behavior Window is an important step toward getting free from the abuse and rebuilding a more healthy spirituality.

Let’s face it. Spiritually abusive individuals and groups may be dishonest and only interested in holding power over other people. But, it’s more likely that they are so blinded by their sense of certainty and self-righteousness that the notion that you might have good reasons to do something differently or think differently than them is impossible. The message given by the spiritual abusive person is: I am 100% right. So, if you don’t do what I say is right, then you must either be a weak person who has been led astray and deceived, or you must be a bad person who doesn’t truly care about what’s right.” If you live in a world controlled by spiritually abusive people, then these are your choices. But, it’s a false choice. There is a third option. The spiritually abusive person or group may be wrong. And, the problem they have with people who don’t agree with them is their problem, not yours. You do what you believe is right. If somebody else has a problem with it, then ask yourself, “Who owns the problem?”

Also, see Pete Scazzero’s books: The Emotionally Healthy Church and Emotionally Healthy Spirituality.

*See John Rosemond’s book A Family of Value to see a different side to Gordon’s parenting model. Rosemond makes some important challenges to Gordon’s model.